Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Hello Kitty Kruisers Krap Review

Hello Kitty Kruisers - Wii U
Ahhhh! Turn down that lawnmower, oh, wait, it's Hello Kitty Kruisers! I can't even concentrate in this game as every car's engine is so loud it sounds like yard work is going on outside. Over yelling and much hate of the feline cat of white with soulless dead doll's eyes was Hello Kitty Kruisers played.

Hello Kitty Kruisers is the newest shovelware for the Wii U. A clunky, impossibly lazy little white cat turd churned out to steal money for those with affection for their feline friend. A pitiful clone of MarioKart with graphics slow-down on the Wii U? How is that even possible?

Up to four friends can race in a happy go-lucky Sanrio-It's-a-small-world-environment with Sanrio characters like bunny, frog and other animals names I don't care to learn.

You transition, without choice, from land to sea to air, sort of like G.I. Joe, but not as fun as G.I. Joe. No matter if you're in a cute plane, cute boat or cute car everything drives the same. I mean they left in the rubber tire to asphalt streaking sound on turns on the boat. Other than up and down you're driving your car through courses in the air and on water. One of which looks very much like rainbow road, but hey Nintendo doesn't own rainbows, yet.

While playing with three others in local co-op, no online, the game slowed down. A Wii U game slowed down? What the Hell? Gamplay split-the screen four-ways and I don't care if that's more taxing for the game or system. That's something you fix with game testing. The screen withered as the game slowed and it was like the ride in Disneyland finally  taxed out to so many fat people on it.

This game will get on your nerves if you're playing with terrible players such as little kids as this game has no time's up function. So if three other human racers complete a race and one person doesn't the race won't time out. You have to wait until they cross the finish line.

Imagine if you're a parent and have to play with your kids. Or if your a kids and your parents suck at race games-you have to wait for them.

Waiting, hearing a gardener multiplied by ten is another scratch by this cat. The sound the games makes is horrific of non-stop engine noise. You might as well just put a mic up to a brick hitting me in the head and oscillating it to last for the entire gameplay.

Lazy doesn't describe how the game rewards players after a tournament by showing absolutely no closing video of the winner winning the tournament or unlocking a trophy, a visual of a trophy or a medal getting received.

It doesn't matter what the material is, it could have been Muppets or washed up Nickelodeon live action stars, when it comes to lazy game-play everyone loses.

Hello Kitty Kruisers needs to be put down. Wait for MarioKart 8.