Friday, May 22, 2015

Don't See The Human Centipede 3

When the highlight of a film is someone being ripped a new one and then defiled in that new hole you have problems with your film. There's no problem with the pain and suffering of others, that's where the movie is at it's most charming in The Human Centipede 3. The rest of the film... is there even a film here or a uncomfortable stage play made by a friend who you're gonna have to tell to give up on his dreams. His sick perverted dreams... that aren't funny enough to watch fall apart. After so much hype and waiting the results of this film are best forgotten or not even seen.

Human Centipede 3 has strange connections to the first two films. They're merely connected as actual films that give a prison accountant a far-fetched idea of how to quell prisoner problems of violence. Director Tom Six makes us wait and wait and wait, like some sort of annoying technical support line for the newest and biggest human centipede. The waiting is moved even slower through the worst sitcom ever and the mental breakdown of the warden of the prison.

The most bizarre element is the Tommy Wiseau's The Room-esque style of of having the creepy-as-Hell Dieter Laser play the German accented Warden Bill Boss with his accountant Dwight Butler played by Laurence R. Harvey in some sort of a sitcom that aliens might produce if the human race died long ago and the only saw a rip-off of what sitcoms were from a foreign country. Both actors played completely different roles in previous film in the series. Here Dieter plays a mind-numbingly bad American-centric, depraved boss who dolls out sick and twisted punishments, but is also a coward at heart. Dwight Butler is his sitcom-esque accountant from yesteryear who looks like he belongs on Nick at Nite. Get them together and it's a painful reminder to covet the blind and deaf.

The film then moves between scenes befitting a no-budget B-Movie and rape fantasies an actual prisoner might come up with. There are occasional moments of, "that's so gross, you can't put that in a movie." Those moments were the best part, but just take so long to get to that they're in no way worth it.  Human castration, eating what now?

Tom Six who put himself in the movie for...he could. Drags and drags us getting to the new centipede and a new type of 'pede. It has so little screen time, it's barely the point of the film. Everything was so not worth it compared to his previous work, which had so much more with the actual development of making the human centipedes possible.

The movie has a cheap point making fun of America and tries to rile you up with rape and racism, but it's all so lazy, you don't care.

The Human Centipede 3 is the worst in the series and a waste of time. A friend joked with me on the way back of from the screening when I told him I just saw a bad movie, "What did you see Human Centipede 10?" Let's hope that never exists. Subtract Six from your director's list.

I attended first hand the world premiere in or own Chinese Theatres in Hollywood on Monday. Not the big one, one of the adjacent theaters. As soon as the credits rolled I noticed most of the press I was sitting next to had disappeared, not waiting to hear the Q & A. Like them I cared little to listen to anyone who was a part of or made a contribution to the film. I left on the rant of the lead character that sounded like a mental breakdown at a nursing home, but the hostess,