Monday, April 1, 2024

Local Burbank Hetero White Man-Owned Bar Needs Your Help


By Uur M. Om

In the heart of Burbank, where the palm trees sway and the sunsets are as dramatic as a season finale cliffhanger, there’s a bar that stands out from the rest. It’s not because of its eclectic mix of vintage arcade games or its menu featuring avocado on literally everything. No, it’s because this bar is owned by a local hetero white man, a true rarity in these parts.

Meet Chad. Chad is just your average guy who loves craft beer, sports, and, of course, his bar. But Chad’s bar is in peril. Not from a lack of business or a health code violation, but from an identity crisis. You see, in a town where every other establishment is vying for the title of ‘most unique,’ Chad’s bar is… well, it’s just a bar.

Chad is making a stand. He’s not going to try to woo you with a gimmicky theme or a happy hour that includes a free tarot reading. Instead, he’s asking for your help to keep his bar blissfully ordinary.

Here’s how you can help:

Come as you are. No need to dress up. If you’re coming straight from a yoga class or wearing your favorite team’s jersey, you’ll fit right in.

Order a beer. It’s a bar, after all. And while you’re at it, maybe order some nachos too. They’re not artisanal, but they’re cheesy and delicious.

Talk about the weather. It’s a safe topic. Plus, Chad’s got a whole spiel about the Santa Ana winds that you won’t want to miss.

Play an arcade game. Yes, they’re old. Yes, they only take quarters. But there’s something charming about button-mashing in this digital age.

Don’t ask for Wi-Fi. It’s a place of connection, but not the internet kind. Talk to a stranger instead. Or better yet, talk to Chad. He’s got stories.

So, if you’re tired of bars where the drinks come with a side of existential dread, come on down to Chad’s. It’s not revolutionary. It’s not Instagram-worthy. But it’s there, and sometimes, that’s enough.

Disclaimer: This blog post is a work of humor for April Fools’ Day. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.