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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Summer Garbage Films: The Emoji Movie and The Mummy

The Poo Bus

When I was in downtown LA over the weekend I saw a bus covered in feces with Patrick Stewart's name on it. I could only think that the driver of the bus should just kill them-self as Sony marketing has taken whatever dignity they had and through it off a cliff and then threw the damn bus they drove off the cliff on top off it, then made it and outdoor toilet.

It wasn't real poop on the bus, it was the poop emoji and it was for The Emoji Movie, which gained 21,200 dislikes as opposed to 4,400 likes after its trailer went up on YouTube day one. Patrick Stewart need money or just can do whatever he wants so he's voicing the poop.

...I can't even tell how Sony functions anymore as a company with an idea this shallow and forgettable. It's blatantly just an attempt to try and make something like Pixar.

The plop, I mean plot is poop emoji, sorry it's about another emoji played by T.J. Miller is going on adventure through apps to try and conform like all the other apps and then he'll probably find out it's not a good idea to conform. Along the way predictable moments and characters will be met.

The director, Tony Leondis has done nothing of note, he's the king of making animated sequels that go straight to video and the voice cast seems to be a scramble of whose popular at this moment, though I'm amazed I don't see someone from Game of Thrones doing a voice.

As punishment Sony's marketing and executives should drive a bus covered in shit in Hell.

The Emoji Movie Out July 28

The Mummy Reboot Part of A Cinematic Universe

Copying the Hell out of Marvel's cinematic universe is the plan at almost every major studio now. Kong: Skull Island with a pay-off of Kong VS Godzilla is set a few years forward. We have WB making there DC garbage. Then we have Universal and the Universal Monsters? Somehow the Universal Monsters are getting a shared universe and Russell Crowe is playing Dr. Henry Jekyll working for some sort of organization that fights monsters. So there's the connecting thread.

And might I add what a weird choice for Dr. Henry Jekyll, I would get Crowe as Hyde, but he doesn't come off as a nerd.

 I'm not going to look it up, but I think the first in this shared universe films was that vampire movie that came out a year or two ago from Universal, Dracula Untold. It left Mina Harper to be a vampire for good or something like that, they did re-shoots just for being part of a connected story. Someone screwed up or it didn't fit so it got cut from this universe. So now The Mummy is suppose to be the starting point for a whole series of monster movies. That just shows how Universal is just a well oiled-machine when it comes to their job.

So The Mummy, it looks terrible, I'm fine with the other re-boot that was a fun action movie series until you get to the fourth sequel that started in 1999 and gave us the most side-kick laden spin-off film ever, The Scorpion King.

 And this new The Mummy, it just should've be made. It's being made, not out of love or time for a real reboot or effort, but because Universal just wants it done and tried with Dracula Untold, but then waited three years to do the next one. It' shows just how little they can do.

Adding to dislikes is that Alex Kurtzman is directing, he's directed one other film that in no way was action heavy and is primarily a writer. A writer known for vast oceans of schlock and poop emoji. He has a history of dropping out as a director for films, more than likely the studio figuring out he can't direct.

You have the strange marketing I've already mentioned of The Mummy Day, that didn't happen on Mother's Day.

Once again London looks like it'll be destroyed, it's not like that happened before in Independence Day 2. LA and London have been destroyed so much on screen I have to think major studios or productions houses have a better map and blue-prints than anyone.

It's all a huge sand pit of major problems falling together making a product unworthy of audiences.

I hope the people involved get wrapped up in used toilet paper, put in sarcophagi and get buried underneath The Luxor in Vegas.

The Mummy Out June 9th