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Monday, February 9, 2015

Jupiter Ascending Review You're Dumb To Think Their Netflix Show Will Be Any Good

Like a small child trying to fit blocks in wrongs shaped holes. Imagine a block shaped hole had a star shape block shoved in it and it was forcefully beat in with a hammer. Now imagine every hole was filled with the wrong shape. That's Jupiter Ascending.

A film that shouldn't have bored with concepts of lizard men with wings fighting anti-gravity floating werewolves could have been amazing. It wasn't, it was boring. A scene of sci-fi bureaucracy, on par with "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy," was the most fun I had watching the film.

The performances from Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum with the rest of the cast were as dry as Sahara Desert if it was on fire. Robots in the film were better actors...than the actors in the film.
I cared more about the technology, some of it, the rest was so recycled from games that it looked like I'd seen it a million times.

As I watched Die Hard today, I remember again how cliche the villain's death was. When watched it in person I actually thought of Die Hard.

Jupiter, the lead -princess needing to be rescued- takes a step back for any powerful female role model. Her only happiness comes from finally having a boyfriend, a boyfriend with wings. She gets into a fight with someone as weak as her.

*If you see the film, it would have made more sense if her werewolf boyfriend had killed her earlier incarnation.

*It made me wish we used 3D technology to teach kids about science and the solar system instead of how man bad parts Sean Bean can get.