Date Everything! Review: Like Going To IKEA, But Being Asked To Leave

 By Jonathan Bilski

Miss! Miss, please leave the store. Other shoppers said you were drooling next to the RÅDMANSÖ and were going to have to clean up your liquids. Miss, NO! Put down the VINGSÖN, it doesn't love you!

 

Now imagine someone being inspired by that incident in a European country. That's what some people say about how the idea of this game in the heads of the developers. A game where you date objects. In fact, that's not true at all. Got ya!

 

From finding developers in the game itself and dating them, how certain objects...and sometimes other things talk to you and from the heavy voice cast of veterans from certain Asian cartoons/video games we can once again thank the Japanese with their manga, anime and video games for this newest dating sim. It's drenched in the concepts are brothers and sisters from Japan so poorly display in knowing what love is to our amusement.

 

What the hell am I writing about? Oh, you're in for treat on this one. We've got a shiny new review of
Date Everything! And, when I write Date Everything! You can Date Everything! I'm not 100% if "air" or "light"  is dateable, but everything in your house seems to be. And, maybe more things, like concepts...Before getting into that headspace, will go more over the basics.

 

Let's go over the game, our feelings about it... and why you need; as a friend put it, "Baby's First Dating Sim." Though, with its rating and some sauciness, it ain't for kids. No, no.

 

In the course of a day you start a new job, are somewhat "fired" from it and "OH, YEAH", get a pair of special/magical glasses voiced by Felicia Day that let you embed or bring out the life in everything in your home. Or realize they were always alive... 

 

Yes, this is a real concept and a game out now.

 

*Just a tangent here, but can't wait for these glasses to go up as sunglasses up on Fangamer and see people try and cosplay characters from this game for Anime Expo in a few weeks. 

Now, Skyler Specs, your magical glasses; every object to date's name is a pun or a joke related to what they are, is basically the tutorial. You get five shots a day of staring at something at your house and shooting hearts at it before going to bed. You stare at something with your specs and it comes to life to be part of your crazy harem furniture anime. 

 

Objects aren't all just ladies, their dudes and even some other pronouns. All lovingly voice cast by over 100 voice actors, many veterans of your favorite animes, games and cartoons. There's even a nice date-bestiary telling you about each one and who voices them. You can wine them and dine'm in the game, in attempts to get them to be your friend, get them to love or even hate you. As talking with them unfolds, different things to do with them and say to them happen.

 

Staying with just the dateables. Which is really, the whole point of the game, not whatever the rest of the story is. Character design, and voice acting are simply top notch. Every character embodies what they're supposed to be, be it a wall, desk, even your toilet. Each has a distinct look that has them looking like a French fashion show runway reinventing clothing lines from companies that shouldn't have ones. Does Kohler make dresses now? Or for the more anime inclined, it's like JoJo's Bizarre Adventure went into the home products game. Like a bunch of stands got horny and wanted some side pieces.

 

We haven't really even gotten to the voice acting which makes the game. Everything has it's own
voice. The fridge, the toaster, the floor; you're gonna want to hear what they have to say and they say, "Wait, why do I know that voice?" Oh, because it is that voice actor. They got over a hundred to voice all of it. That a whole different level. 

 

Sometimes they can be a bit dirty and the game warns you, so not for the kids, but for the adults who can justify dating their phone or lint. 

 

Now, griping, and bringing up some quality of life options. Ya see, the baby's first analogy was a good point. Many other dating sims have come out already. No where near this concept, but they did clean up some things. Yeah, there could be a skip button or speed up option if you just aren't enjoying your times with junk or your bed or the stairs. And, when you don't click or aren't wanting to get in the pants of your washing machine, the game isn't fun to you, the player.

 

Another missed opportunity, is Felecia Day isn't your main narrator, she helps you up at the start and I think she far better fits as that driving force than just a nameless narrator explaining new dateables you meet. I miss my Felicia Day glasses, dammit!

 

Ya, see, it is far better to have loved and lost...is my computer breaking up with me? I don't like this "open relationship" stuff, they're so excited for. My non-binary...wait is that a joke because their a computer that uses binary? 

 

Just like my painfully open relationship with my computer, "Mac": the puns. You really can get into what is in love with you. I just started dating the air fryer and it's already gotten awkward. Jeez, What great writing and voice acting can do. I guess, get you to fall for now animate in-animate objects.

 

The games is of course a buy, just for the wonderful opening logos that tell you there having fun with this one, but as already repeated. Voice acting and writing for your dates is the win here. The "gameplay" could be a lot better, less clunky. It gets too dark in the house.

 (*Note you can turn on lights.) Heck, the house could have just be drawn instead of the awkward 3D CGI build. That's not what the games about, it's about getting back with my computer dammit! Dating everything you see in your two-story home! Not sharing that you're playing the game with certain family and friends! As they just won't get it, but you should.

 

Date Everything! is out now on PC and all major consoles.

 

*Yeah, there's a lot more to date in the game than just objects. You can find out how to find and date them online of course or by figuring it out from clues from the game.

 

 Game provided by publisher for review purposes, reviewer played a Steam version of the game.