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Wednesday, December 20, 2023

X-Mas Horror Films 2023 & One Hallmark Hanukkah Time Loop Movie Finalized List

Here's a list of all the X-Mas horror that's come on for the holidays, updated with reviews for the ones we watched. All are available for stream or rent.

It's A Wonderful Knife

On Shudder on AMC+ and Everywhere you Rent Movies

A year after saving her town from a psychotic killer on Christmas Eve, Winnie Carruthers’ life is less than wonderful — but when she wishes she’d never been born, she finds herself in a nightmare parallel universe and discovers that without her, things could be much, much worse. Now the killer is back, and she must team up with the town misfit to identify the killer and get back to her own reality. 
* Been waiting on this one, and it's a friggin mess, but fun. The other time travel slasher film that came out this year, Totally Killer, is just better. There's some big jumps here in logic on the why and it could have had some more creative Christmas kills.

 Santa Isn't Real

Coming to VOD and Digital Platforms December 8th 

After suffering a brutal attack on Christmas eve, a young woman, Nikki, struggles to convince her friends that the assailant was none other than Ol' Kris Kringle. When Santa returns to terrorize the group in their remote cabin the next Christmas, Nikki and her friends must overcome disbelief as they fight to stay alive.

* Anything from XYZ I'll give a shot.

Silent Night

For rent online

From legendary director John Woo and the producer of John Wick comes this gritty revenge tale of a tormented father (Joel Kinnaman) who witnesses his young son die when caught in a gang’s crossfire on Christmas Eve. While recovering from a wound that costs him his voice, he makes vengeance his life’s mission and embarks on a punishing training regimen in order to avenge his son’s death. Full of Woo’s signature style, Silent Night redefines the action genre with visceral, thrill-a-minute storytelling.

* The creator of Face-Off made a Christmas movie? And, the main character doesn't talk? My friends could not really get it that he and everyone else don't say anything. I'd say it's John Woo with a small budget. Nothing that over the top or ridiculous and coming from John Woo...that kind of sucks. The movie is mostly a montage until a third act of non-stop extreme violence.

The Sacrifice Game

Streaming on Shudder

The Blackvale School for Girls, 1971. It’s bad enough that students Samantha and Clara can’t go home for the holidays, but things take a deadly turn when a gang of cult killers arrives at their doorstep—just in time for Christmas.

* Look like a classic 70's evil Satanic cult film.

Werewolf Santa

Can rent online now

Santa turns into a werewolf on Christmas Eve, and wreaks havoc in a small seaside town - Lucy has a show called 'Monster Hunter's' on Youtube, but it's not doing too great with just a few viewers following her. That is until, on Christmas Eve, her camera witnesses Santa get bit by a werewolf in the local park, before turning into a werewolf himself. Lucy and her family then set off on a Christmas Eve adventure to somehow save Christmas, armed with just a rusty ice skate and a vague understanding of how werewolves operate.

*This was just bad on every level, from design to writing, usually you can give something to a film that tries and I honestly think the people did, but no one told them they're terrible. Not worth it even for a so-bad-it's-good.

The Mean One

Can rent online now

In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy's parents are murdered and her Christmas is stolen by a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit.
*They can't legally say it, but it's the Grinch going on a murder spree on Christmas. Sounds like the perfect stupid X-Mas horror for some. Very bad reviews.

On SCREAMBOX and for rent this December
Max was only six years old when he accidentally burned Santa to a crisp on Christmas Eve. 12 years later, Max attempts to raise Santa from the dead in order to fix his past mistakes and restore the Christmas spirit. But he soon realizes that the creature he has created is a bloodthirsty killer – and it’s headed straight for the town's Christmas party! Buckle in for some bloody holiday cheer that will leave you having a ho-ho-whole lot of fun!

*It just looks so cheap, solid, ridiculous concept, terribly made.

Secret Santa
Streaming now on SCREAMBOX and for rent online
Christmas dinner brings tidings of death when someone enacts revenge, and out of the bloody madness rises a hero who must face all odds to stop an outbreak before it's too late.

*Claim to fame from director Adam Marcus, who did Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. Looks like it was shelved for quite a few years as I see it being completed 2017-2018.

Night of the Missing
On SCREAMBOX and for rent online now

The sheriff of a small town is a serial killer. A mysterious woman visits him and starts a conversation about the crimes he committed.

*It just doesn't look that good.
Nightmare on 34th Street
Out for rent online

Synopsis : A mysterious and psychopathic Santa visits a small, rural town with a bag full of unusual gifts and twisted holiday stories featuring Krampus, a murderous St. Nick and killer carol singers that are certain to ruin the Christmas season forever.

A Creature Was Stirring

For rent online

As a Christmas blizzard rages outside, Faith, a nurse, keeps her daughter Charm locked in her room, injected with "holiday cheer," methadone, to sustain a delicately balanced fever--"treatment" for a mysterious affliction. When drifters Kory and Liz break in seeking shelter, they quickly discover that Faith's relationship with Charm stretches the limits of dysfunction, and both of them are concealing the malevolent fifth houseguest lurking in the shadows. Hint: it ain’t Santa.
*Woah, what do I even say about this. A great creature feature set around Christmas with some really f'd up sh*t. And a horny Green Lantern sex dream? They even reference real Green Lantern comic story arcs, specially Emerald Twilight.
 Add, well a Were-Porcupine that looks like Rattma's cousin from V/H/S 94 who has some Sonic the Hedgehog moves.
 This almost completely won me over if not for it's what-a-twist ending that's justs so horrible you might start laughing of how absurd it is.

The following are coming to Lifetime and then will be available online digitally.

Silent Night, Fatal Night


Mallory Dearborn (Alex Camacho) is one of the best-selling mystery writers in the market. Against the wishes of her manager Michael (Matthew Pohlkamp), she’s decided to end her long-running detective franchise and focus on more personal matters. Desperate for a big payday, Michael takes her prisoner and, convincing the world she’s passed away, forces her to write a new, posthumous novel. Now, Mallory will spend the holidays writing her most thrilling story yet: her own escape.

* Been reading reviews and this apparently has little to nothing to do with X-Mas and just kind of sucks.


A Cowboy Christmas Romance


One week before Christmas, a huge business deal sends real estate “closer” Lexie Crenshaw (Jana Kramer) back to a place she swore she’d never return to: her hometown of Tubac, Arizona. Back on the range, Lexie must convince Coby Mason (Adam Senn), a horse-whispering rancher, to part ways with his family’s land, while navigating her relationship with her father (Bruce Thomas) and brothers she left behind, leading her to reconsider the life she gave up 10 years ago.
*Ooh boy, the hype about the sex scenes in this was just that, hype. The movie is just a regular totally nonsense driven Lifetime Christmas movie of a woman giving up her career to have a family. 

One for the Jews

Round and Round

Should be streaming or be able rent online through Hallmark

Rachel’s stuck in a time loop, reliving the night of her parents’ Hanukkah party. Can Zach, the “nice boy” Grandma’s trying to set her up with, help her make it to tomorrow? Starring Vic Michaelis, Bryan Greenberg and Rick Hoffman.

*This might have been my holiday favorite. It also actually references real nerd stuff as the heroine visits a comic book store for help.

Oh, and there's now  a shared Hanukkah Hallmark Cinematic Universe as the Deli/Bakery from last year's movie Hanukkah on Rye is visited multiple loops. I hope they keep connecting them all.