1st Minute
On this balmy morning, only five minutes remained before, my pants would have a hole in them. If only I could get into the stall being used by Mayor Karen Bass in this unisex restroom in town hall. I say, "Ms. Mayor are you almost done in there, I know you have a lot on your plate, but I had a lot on mine." Why did I go for the hottest bird at Howlin' Ray's?
2nd Minute
Another stall, opens, but before I can get to it, Nithya Raman, Los Angeles City Councilmember, blindsides me and takes it. "Oh, c'mon," I shout. "Weren't you just waiting for the mayor?" I spout. At least from that end. My other end isn't looking so good.
3rd Minute
I think I'm seeing new colors. Bass and Raman are just going at it. And by it, I mean farting. Finally some relief, when I hear a flush, but I'm pushed aside by County Supervisor Lindsey Horvath. I fall to the ground. Almost leaking. She doesn't say, "Excuse me", she just takes another stall as I crawl, one hand holding my stomach, the other holding my butt.
4th minute
Why can't I just poop? Tech entrepreneur Adam Miller is why, he steps in on his phone, trips over me and never looks up. As he gets up, he somehow gets into a stall as someone gets out like some sort of French comedian in a 60's movies. I'd laugh, if it didn't mean I being adding artwork to the walls.
5th minute
Rick Caruso comes in. Surveys the situation. He sees me in my time of need. Rick tells me, "Come here, let me show you something." I get up and follow him just outside. He takes out a key and unlocks a door next to the restroom. It slowly opens. It's some sort of private restroom. It's magical. A beautiful looking art deco design with the contemporary needs of the average LAian met. He then tells me, "You should have voted for me for mayor." And, slams the door in my face.
Then, I crapped my pants.