Monday, April 18, 2016

13 Cameras Review It Should Have Kept The Title Slumlord

We've been waiting for 13 Cameras since last October when we first heard of it through Screamfest, back when it was called Slumlord and should have remained being called Slumlord or Perv or Freak Watches. I write that because the star of the film and, oy, the best actor was the landlord, creepy-as-Hell Gerald(Neville Archambault). I wait for the day people use his visage as a meme or in videos online for reaction shots. He's the perfect weirdo watching you.

The film and rename come from that fact that he rents a house to the unlovable and poorly acted couple of Ryan (PJ McCabe) and Claire (Brianne Moncrief), newlyweds you just can't wait to hear shut-up. Claire's pregnant and Ryan's cheating on her with his assistant at wherever the Hell he works, because the writer gave up on that part. The creep watching them is doing so with a bunch of hidden cameras around the house. We didn't bother counting if they're were thirteen, it doesn't matter, the best part is watching him watch them, because watching them is a pain.

I hate the newlywed couple, not for just bad acting, but for having seemingly nothing about them you can connect to, there dull. So dull in fact you wonder why they're having a bad marriage, they don't fight or even seem to have problems.

The dog they own is better than them, the dog the director sometimes forgets exists and just doesn't happen to be in certain scenes.
Their friends, another couple are better actors then them.

Thank goodness for that perverted old man. If he's not jacking it to them or sneaking into their house to steal Claire's panties he's just staring into the screens at his place. Watching them shower, be adulterers and having boring conversations, why, he's enjoying it all, sometime without a shirt.

Old man perv's look is just iconic, he has what must be a pair of custom glasses and a style and smell that gets mentioned by those around him. I only wish we got more moments of him doing more things and acting creepier. When he interacts with salespeople the silence is golden.

He's weird body of a body builder whose too old or more like old muscles that are leaking make you want him to be wearing a shirt whenever he does take it off.

At one point, someone gets captured by our favorite ol' perv inside the newlywed's house. This creates a sh*t bucket. Now it may have just been for no reason, but instead of just using the toilet to get rid of his captive's leavings he uses the kitchen sink? Why? You made me laugh with that frugal, that bathroom is too far post poop expulsion.

The film has a predictable tension inducing ending with the captive of "creep eyes" escaping and trying to warn the newlyweds. So our favorite weirdo has to stop anyone from getting the word out.

We only recommend it for laughs and wonder what misfires the director/writer Victor Zarcoff had where he created such an iconic villain, but a lackluster group of victims to care about.

When you see that "face" you'll fall in love with how gross that guy is. Who watches the watcher? You do! Catch it online.

13 Cameras
Friday, April 15
Music Hall

9036 Wilshire Blvd.